How can attachment theory help improve my relationship?
Attachment theory helps us understand how our early relationships with caregivers shape the way we connect with others throughout our lives and into adulthood, influencing everything from how we seek support to how we handle conflict and build intimacy. If you’d like a refresher on the basics of attachment theory, you can take a look at our earlier blog.
By Psychologist Alana Walker
Why is attachment theory important in healthy adult relationships?
Understanding attachment theory can be a game-changer for adult relationships. Our early attachment experiences don’t just stay in the past, they shape how we connect, communicate, and cope with intimacy and conflict. When we understand our own, and our partner’s, attachment needs, we become better equipped to navigate the emotional dynamics of a relationship with empathy and understanding, rather than with judgment.
Attachment theory offers a framework to make sense of emotional triggers, recurring arguments, or fears around closeness and distance. Knowing one’s attachment style helps both partners move from reacting to each other’s behaviour, to understanding the underlying emotional needs and respond instead. Ultimately, integrating attachment-informed insights can strengthen emotional safety, deepen intimacy, and support long-term relationship satisfaction.
Impact of your attachment style on your relationship
Secure – Securely attached individuals tend to feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence. They are generally trusting, responsive to their partner’s needs, and able to navigate disagreements without feeling threatened or overwhelmed. They are also more likely to communicate openly, manage emotions effectively, and offer support during stressful times, creating a strong foundation for healthy, lasting relationships.
Anxious – Those with an anxious attachment style often worry about being rejected or unloved. They may seek a lot of reassurance and feel distressed by perceived distance, sometimes becoming ‘clingy’ or overly sensitive in relationships. These individuals are more prone to codependent dynamics, where healthy boundaries are blurred, and they may prioritise their partner’s needs over their own.
Avoidant – Avoidantly attached individuals typically value self-reliance and may struggle to express emotions or tolerate too much closeness. They might withdraw during conflict, minimise the importance of emotional connection, or feel ‘smothered’ by a partner’s needs, creating emotional distance. Avoidantly attached people may also suppress their own emotional needs to maintain a sense of independence and control.
Disorganised – Disorganised attachment, often linked to unresolved trauma or loss, combines both anxious and avoidant patterns. People with this style may deeply desire intimacy but fear it at the same time, leading to confusing or contradictory behaviours, like seeking closeness but pushing others away. They may struggle with emotional regulation, experience intense fears of abandonment, and find it difficult to trust that relationships can be safe.
Understanding your own attachment style- and your partner’s- can increase compassion and reduce blame. It’s not about labelling each other, but rather becoming more aware of the patterns that may be playing out so you can begin to change them together. Building secure attachment in adulthood is possible, even if you didn’t experience secure attachment in childhood.
Practical ways to promote secure attachment in adult relationships
Practising emotional attunement by being present, listening deeply, and validating your partner’s feelings without trying to immediately fix them helps to build emotional connection.
Creating rituals of connection, such as daily check-ins, shared meals, or spending device-free time together, nurtures stability and intimacy in your relationship.
Encouraging open communication by expressing your needs, fears, and hopes honestly (even when it feels vulnerable) using “I” statements rather than “you” statements helps to build emotional closeness and understanding.
Repairing after conflict by apologising, acknowledging hurt, and compromising to prioritise the relationship over being right or point scoring strengthens emotional safety and trust.
Encouraging both partners to maintain individual hobbies, friendships, and personal interests promotes autonomy and personal fulfillment, while also strengthening the relationship through mutual respect and emotional security.
Developing self-awareness by reflecting on your own attachment patterns and understanding how they influence your reactions can lead to healthier relationship dynamics.
Seeking support through individual therapy, journaling, or relationship therapy can help unpack past experiences and promote growth in how you relate to others.
Further reading
If you’d like to dive deeper into how attachment styles impact relationships and how to build stronger emotional connections, here are some great resources:
The Attachment Project offers easy-to-understand explanations of attachment theory and practical tools.
The Gottman Institute Blog shares evidence-based tips on building emotional intimacy and repairing after conflict.
The book by Stan Tatkin Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship is a practical guide that blends neuroscience and attachment, with lots of exercises for couples.
Life Matters Disclaimer
All content in our article is published for informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional psychological advice and should not be relied on as personal advice. Always seek the guidance of a qualified psychologist with any questions you may have regarding your mental health.
References
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). The Science of Couple and Family Therapy: Behind the Scenes at the Love Lab. W.W. Norton & Company.
Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection (2nd ed.). New York: Brunner-Routledge.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. New York: Guilford Press.
