The Misunderstoods: what to do when your kid doesn’t fit the mould
Every human is wired to prefer what is familiar (no matter what it is), and to be avoidant of what is unfamiliar (no matter what it is). On top of this, we are also wired for the most negative to stick to us like Velcro, and the more positive to slide off like a slippery dip.
It might seem like an unfair design fault, but it’s just the way it is.
By Lynn Jenkins, Clinical Child Psychologist and Hypnotherapist at Life Matters
Now, imagine this. You’re a kid and you hear, very regularly:
“Stop it! Don’t do that!”
“Why are you doing that?!”
“You’re on detention.”
“Go out of the room, please.”
“We have expectations, and you are NOT meeting them!”
“Be quiet! Just be normal!”
Negative? CHECK.
Familiar? CHECK.
This is the life of a group of kids I fondly think of as the Misunderstoods, a group that comes my way a lot. And straight off the bat, I want to say these kids are some of the most interesting and funny, the most kind and caring kids I have ever met.
However, these particular qualities are rarely seen by the people around them. I think it’s because of the lenses through which they are viewed. These lenses have a very strong prescription: the “main lane,” the lane of conformity. Most kids, viewed through these lenses, appear clear. The Misunderstoods, by comparison, are quite blurry. Quite unfamiliar.
They are not in the lane of conformity, and the problem is, they (and their carers) are the ones who suffer because of it. It is not their fault that they are constantly measured by how they conform to the ‘main lane’.
But they are.
Time to be honest
Notice your response to hearing your kid say something like:
“f&%k off!”
“You are a bast#$d!”
“I hate you!”
“I hope you hurt, you bi#ch!”
Let me guess. It’s probably something like:
“How rude!”
”How disrespectful!”
”What a little sh%t!”
”So deserves to be punished!”
”Needs much more discipline and control!”
”So glad my kid is not like that.”
”There is NO way this kid is hanging with my kid!”
”I have NO idea how to handle this kid!”
That last one?
It’s THE most accurate on the list, and at the same time, the most helpful, because it acknowledges that the ‘roadmap’ for dealing with kids as a whole hasn’t covered this terrain. Being open to exploring the new and unfamiliar is the most beneficial stance for the Misunderstoods.
But beware. Those holding this stance are few and far between.
A lay of the land
From a little Misunderstood:
“I go through life with a guard up, like a big brick wall, because I expect to be mistreated in some way.
Why? Because being mistreated is my most familiar experience.
Like being left out, not wanted, told I’m fat, ugly, yuck in some way… weird, odd.
I’ve been taught I do NOT fit like most other kids do.
I notice I get into trouble more than them.
I notice I don’t get invited to parties.
I notice other kids move away when it’s time to do group work.
I’m not like them, and that seems to be a bad thing.
I try. I want to be good. I want to be included.
But I keep hearing the same message: you are weird, odd, not normal, less than… bad.
That’s what I am. And it doesn’t feel good at all. It feels painful.”
A bit about how we’re wired
All living beings are wired to move away from pain and toward pleasure. When we feel pain, our protection parts kick in.
These can look like:
Verbally: “No!” “Get lost!”
Physically: pushing, yelling, kicking
It’s the body’s way of literally trying to get rid of the source of pain. But when it comes to the Misunderstoods, that ‘source of pain’ is often other kids… and sometimes, adults. Their nervous systems perceive these others as threats. When the brain (specifically the amygdala) detects a threat, the body goes into protection mode.
And in protection mode?
- The big (non-main-lane) behaviours come out.
- They’re responded to with the usual reactions: negative, punitive.
- The child sees themselves as “bad”.
- And round and round the horsey goes on the merry-go-round.
Bu there’s another layer
Our minds seek evidence for what we truly believe. And beliefs are formed by what we experience most regularly.
So if a child believes:
“I am bad.”
”I don’t fit.”
”I’m weird, odd, less than.”
…their mind is constantly looking for confirmation.
And when they hear:
“I’m ringing your parents.”
“You need to leave.”
“You’re on lunchtime detention.”
“You’re suspended.”
…it’s further evidence: I am bad. I don’t fit. I’m weird, odd, less than.
For their families
This is a summary of life for the Misunderstoods and their families. It’s lonely. It’s stressful. You advocate. You pray someone—just someone—will see your child for more than their behaviour.
To engage in a way that allows the walls to come down.
To help your child feel safe.
Because when they feel safe, they feel calm.
And when they feel calm, their protection armour comes off.
They are no longer misunderstood.
They shine. They are the little being they were born to be.
But…
Protection armour doesn’t come off easily.
And when it’s off, it doesn’t take much for it to snap back into place.
To be that advocate, to hold that stance, is not easy.
Maybe that’s why there are so few of you.
Here’s what it means to us
From a Misunderstood:
“When I feel seen, I feel normal.
I feel like a valid member of society.
I’m not used to this though.
I’m more used to feeling terribly misunderstood.
People seem to think I’m bad, defiant, manipulative, naughty, attention-seeking.
These are the words I’ve heard.
But that’s not who I am.
Still… when people treat me like that every day, it’s hard to keep climbing. It’s exhausting.
I’m stuck in a vicious cycle.
The more I feel misunderstood and awful… the more I behave that way.
And round and round it goes.
I thought everyone just knew that I want to belong.
I want to be included.
When I’m not, I assume I’m not good enough.
And again, I behave that way. I don’t know why!
Someone once told me I’m in defence mode most of the time.
I heartily agreed.
They explained that when my nervous system thinks I’m under threat, I go into fight, flight, or freeze.
And that’s the behaviour everyone sees.
But it’s not the real me. It’s my protection armour.
Most people don’t know this.
But I really wish they did.
I try.
I try to show that I’m kind, generous, thoughtful, funny… a good friend.
But they still treat me the same.
I feel hopeless, helpless—like I have no influence over how I’m seen.
So I want to say thank you.
Thank you for being a lone nut.
Thank you for swimming upstream.
Thank you for sacrificing your position in your tribe to respond to me as if you see me.
I feel safe with you.
I feel calm.
I can be me around you.
Thank you.”
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Need support?
At Life Matters, we specialise in early intervention strategies, emotional regulation support, and parent-child connection work. If you’re struggling to implement this at home, reach out. We’re here to help.
Further reading
Life Matters Disclaimer
All content in our article is published for informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional psychological advice and should not be relied on as personal advice. Always seek the guidance of a qualified psychologist with any questions you may have regarding your mental health.
